Not easy, just right
Boundaries are _________________. Fill in the blank.
I bet you have a couple adjectives to put there. I certainly do. "Frustrating" comes to mind. "Infuriating" is another one. "Smart" is probably accurate. "Hard" is what I think about 99% of the time.
Am I the only one who feels this way? Boundaries are hard to create, harder to define, and almost impossible to maintain, at least they are for me, a Type-A, list-loving Creative. Boundaries are profoundly appealing and infuriating to me simultaneously. In those rare moments when I'm feeling mildly proud of myself for getting something right, something in line, I am reminded of the acres of boundary lines I've let atrophy or just disappear altogether. That's when I usually just say something like "screw it!" or at least roll my eyes and give up for the time being.
Life. Geez.
And then what about those times when we've done the work, made the hard choices and created clear boundaries for our own sanity and safety, and then someone else doesn't respect them, or at least doesn't understand? We've probably all had this happen. We're suddenly the bad guys because we have protected what needs to be protected. There's no win/win in a case like this, one person feeling satisfied with progress, the other feeling discarded and somewhat alone.
I've experienced this a few times in life, and that's why "hard" is my descriptor for boundaries most of the time. In these cases, I was satisfied to the degree that I was being obedient to what God was saying about my personal boundary lines. But I couldn't be fully content. I couldn't be really happy with my rare spurt of wisdom when someone else was hurt by it. This didn't mean I could fix it, tie a bow on it and make everything ok. But it did mean I could care about a person even when a healthy boundary said to disconnect for a time.
I hate walking the tension of wisdom and reality, maturity in love. It's much more comfortable, fun even, to just jump to one side or the other because reality has far too much grey in it. Black and white is so much more packageable. Besides, my heart can be completely certifiable sometimes, and it's far easier to just let it be, let it stew in its own juices and throw itself against the padded walls. But this whole "healthy boundaries" thing suggests that I oughta quit whining and just be an adult already.
Take love for example. Love is a beautiful, unruly creature. Love can be immature, seem crazy and completely foolhardy. And I love that about love, that it can be as frenetic as I feel sometimes. It's the most compassionate, thoughtful, mature, enlightened thing we can offer, but without disciplined hearts, love will wear pigtails and throw tantrums. Isn't that funny? Like a scholar with a lollipop.
Discipline takes time, takes action, some sweat equity. And it hurts like heck most days. But discipline is what I needed, what I continue to need almost every second of the day. It's what brought me to the understanding of healthy boundaries. It's what caused me to care deeply for friends while respecting my personal boundaries, even if it meant some disappointment, anger, and hurt. My heart, disciplined only by the full and complete grace of God, loved my friends far more than any hurt that came. My heart loves them now, even with unresolved issues that might never be fully wrapped up neatly and sealed with a bow.
Human beings are messy and littered with grey areas. Littered, I tell ya! And let me tell you something else: We will ALWAYS be, at least until Jesus comes back to finally restore all the broken stuff. We live in the messiness of humanity, and there's no getting around it. Maybe that's why there's a sense of urgency for us to develop some disciplined hearts and clear boundaries. They help make sense of the mess. They bring some clarity into the crazy. They give us messy creatures the perspective for mature love and deep devotion to other messy, crazy people.
Personal health will be one of the hardest things you'll ever fight for, and it'll no doubt be met with some cynicism, misunderstanding, disapproval, and criticism. It's not easy. But it's right. And when it's right, your soul knows it. Your mind can rest, and your body can relax. Boundaries bring the "right" to the messy. Not ease, just right.
Talk To Me...
Do you struggle to maintain discipline in your heart and with your boundary lines?
What are the boundaries you have fought for?
What are some boundaries that you need to enforce that might be difficult?
photo courtesy of David Castillo Dominic freedigitalphotos.net