Over The Hill, Staring At Mountains

Today, I am 40.

I have been told (and have often felt like) I have been 40 since I was 6. But now I am officially, unequivocally 40 years old, and I have some thoughts about it. 

First, I want to say this: I look fabulous. I mean, it’s just #science. I feel fabulous, too, not because I’ve lost weight or maintained a strict skin care regimen or done away with bread. Nope. None of that matters (and most of it is a lie). I have, however, prioritized myself in recent years and I believe that has made all the difference in the way I look and feel. I carry myself with more confidence because I feel like taking up space. So I do, and I find that I don’t apologize for it as much anymore. This prioritization of me, this allowing myself to take up space and be unapologetically me is what makes me fabulous. 

Second, I’d like to acknowledge that I may do what I want, but my curls are their own force, and they, in fact, do what they want. And I let them. Rarely do they feel heat because I let them dry the way they want and bounce the way they want and fly the way they want and spring about the way they want. They take up space, just like I’ve been teaching them. And they are pretty fun ladies, I must say. I want to be like them when I grow up.

Third, there have been quite a few phrases directed toward me in my 40 years on this planet, and I’d like to take a moment to address them. I want you to read this next bit like I was giving my #grammyspeech to the haterz. This one goes out to “we just don’t know what to do with you.” Thank you for helping me realize I don’t have to wait for ANYONE to know what to do with me. I can make up my mind and do with me what I wish, without your permission or approval. I’d like to thank “you’re a bull in a china shop” for reinforcing my power and helping me finally embrace it as a strength, not a liability. Shout out to “know-it-all,” “overly confident,” and “coming on too strong,” for projecting your insecurities on me as if they were mine to carry, as if I need to shrink in order to make you comfortable. You helped me understand who to let in and how it IS possible to find people who champion these things in me rather than work to diminish them. And lastly, this one is for all the folks who said nothing when I made you look REALLY good whether I was onstage or behind the scenes by being incredibly prepared, taking my work seriously, and always going 5 steps beyond. I learned a long time ago that I wouldn’t be recognized, but you helped me learn to appreciate respect over recognition. Because of you I continue building my life on the idea that mutual respect creates more freedom, trust and creativity. Kinda like a hostile environment for fragile egos.

Finally, I’d like to say that there have been many times I could have played the game and landed in a much different (read: secure, safer, well-off) place than I am now… and I thank God everyday that I declined. I will always have another creative idea; I will always be able to say I lived with integrity; I will always value the journey as much as (or more than) the destination; I will ALWAYS care so little about the game that it will likely baffle you. I’m not sorry.

I am grateful for what I’ve learned, even through difficult, maddening, senseless, unfair moments. I’m thankful for what I’ve learned through wise people investing in me, kindness undeserved, the privilege I hold, the company I keep, and the love that I share with so many amazing people. What a full 40 years it has been.

In her documentary, Becoming, the QUEEN Michelle Obama said of her time in the White House,

“So little of who I am happened in those eight years. So much more of who I was happened before.”

I’d add that so much more of who we are becoming is still ahead of us.

Here’s to being over the hill and staring down endless mountain ranges. 

ONE MORE THING…

IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A BIRTHDAY GIFT, go download/stream/purchase The Wishing Jar’s new single, Oh Dry Those Tears. Available today on all platforms!