Shut. It. Down.
Whew.
That’s the best summation of the last few months of life. A hearty Whew! and a not-so-fond farewell. Unlike the large majority of people I am hearing from, 2019 for me was not a complete dumpster fire. It had its moments that I’d prefer not to relive thankyouverymuch, but I experienced so much good last year. Growth, easing into more of myself, finding work that pulled me out of my comfort zone and inspired me to dig deeper and become better… these are all part of my 2019, and I am grateful for them.
But 2020? Well, this year didn’t start so well. In fact, what I experienced the last 40-ish days had me shuddering at the trajectory I saw unfolding for the rest of the year. Thankfully, I am old enough to know I don’t know everything and young enough to believe I can still learn and get better. January was NOT going to tell me how to live the rest of this year.
I started the year with lots of goals and intentions, lots of daring endeavors and benchmarks to hold me accountable. “This girl is on fiyah.” That’s what played in my head, my own walk-out music as I took my place at bat each day. I was going to own this year, but the first 30 days of it owned me, more or less.
There were several instances, looking back, where my body was trying to warn me to pay attention. But nothing was bad, and that’s what was so dangerous. My friendships were fine. My home life was fine. My work was fine. I was beginning Michael Hyatt’s BusinessAccelerator program and coming in hot by doing the optional online courses first and showing up with all my neatly-written answers for my vision, my goals, the steps to get there, and my accountability measures. Everything seemed like I was operating as an A+ student of life. Again, that’s what made it so dangerous. The problem was that I never stopped to ask if fine was good enough, and I definitely didn’t ask in regards to my own needs.
DId you know that you have needs?!?!
I didn’t know! I mean, I knew about yours. I’m great at knowing your needs. Mine? Not so much.
I have it coming at me from every direction, and have so from the very beginning. My nature is to be independent and self-sufficient, and from early childhood I was nurtured that way, too. This isn’t an indictment on my family— I loved my childhood— it was just the reality of a truck-driving dad and a young mom raising 3 children each a year a part, one of whom had cerebral palsy. It was an all-hands-on-deck situation, and this self-sufficient child was more than happy to be overly responsible at times.
There’s not a good/bad, right/wrong correlation to be made here, other than when it comes to my personal responsibility in identifying my own needs. Instead of giving myself space to feel, to be known, to be vulnerable with what I need from others, I developed a masterful ability to minimize or completely disregard my own needs to the point that I actually convinced myself I didn’t have any. If I didn’t need anything I could be more useful to other people. I know what an energy drain other people’s needs can be for me, a high introvert with big Enneagram 5 energy. I determined I wouldn’t impose that same kind of “energy drain” on other people. I never stopped to consider that other people may not feel the same way about being human. Go figure.
Sure, there’s a lot of tongue-in-cheek here, but I want you to see how absurd I have been to myself for a very long time. Well, myself finally got fed up. It SCREAMED out in the middle of a night mid-January 2020, and it said, “NO MORE DAMMIT! I HAVE NEEDS!” By that time there was no choice but to listen because I physically couldn’t object. My body was, in essence, shutting down. I had never felt so powerless, so needy (ugh!), so aware of my own physical and emotional limits. It was annoying as hell, to be honest. :)
But it was also the restart of my 2020. My body stopped me. It gave me the opportunity to pay attention and identify some reckless patterns. Then it gave me the choice to continue with my audacious plans that held little to no space for my personal well-being, or to audaciously pursue well-being first and let the plans follow after. I decided to choose door number 2.
It’s early February and already I feel like a different person. I reworked all my goals and lifted some weights off my shoulders that I didn’t realize were crushing me until I started paying attention. I am lighter and freer, and the channels for inspiration and productivity have been cleared so that I have experienced a rush of fresh energy in both. I’m well on my way to crushing my goals because I’m becoming more of the person I want to be.
I am going to start talking a LOT about intentional design over here on the blog, and about some of the really exciting things I’m working on creatively. I’m also going to be offering ways for you to be a part of bringing some of these things to life, and I assure you, you’re going to want to. I am exploding with excitement about it all!
More than anything, I want to encourage you to pay attention. Pay attention to your own needs. It’s ok to have them, and to let other people know. To take care of yourself is the most honoring thing you can do in appreciation of the wonderful creation you are.
Stay tuned! Lots more coming soon!
